now i have people coming up to me and asking me the same question id been asking myself before everything happened
but i guess the context is different for them...
they keep asking me what happened to us
to me
to you
if im ok
so i open my mouth, but nothing ever comes out
and every single fucking time that happens, they reach for me
a hand on the shoulder
a brush against my arm
my friend fox even tried for a hug
i felt fucking guilty for pulling away from that one...
i recoil like im a bullet and their touch is a fucking gun
i cant get away from it fast enough
i cant fucking stand it
the way they look at me when they do it
but then i sit by your bed
and i do the opposite
ive never been able to say shit to anyone but with you i never had to
so i talk to you without even opening my mouth
and i fucking hope you can hear me when i do
and by the time i realize im done
because i cant stand to sit there while the hours pass by and watch your chest move up and down... the only sign of life you fucking give me
by the time i cant take it anymore
your hand is in mine
i dont fucking recoil from you
i fucking reach for you





this shits fucking stupid
i just want you to text me back and tell me to shut the fuck up
call me blind
call me a fucking retard
please





i can keep filling my days looking for answers for you
i wont stop
and ill keep hunting
and fucking punishing
and some days i let myself get so fucking wrapped up in it
i can convince myself im not just waiting
killing fangers or killing time? what the fuck am i doing?
is it fucking wrong that im away from you but i never fucking leave you?
because im doing shit right for once, pey
whatever fucking selfish desire was driving me before im fighting it
and im doing everything i can to find every last one of them
but im just waiting for you
paying dues like i was paying rent
and i fucking paid your rent for a long time, you cant fucking leave me again you fucking owe me pey
its fucking deja vu with you
only now im fucking texting you instead of sitting on your fucking porch waiting for your stubborn, drunk ass to stumble back home
but its all just waiting again
im just fucking waiting
please come home





im still there
when im not losing sleep over you im losing sleep over them
i can still hear them





i fucking told you id follow you
so you went to the one fucking place i couldn't go
youre alive but youre not
youre fucking here but youre not
i cant fucking follow you there Pey
come back





dont make me say it over fucking text
dont make me tell you like this